The new year has brought new beginnings and new changes. It's funny how OCD makes you believe that you can't do so much. My OCD has always told me that I am not capable of going to school. Whether it was doing homework, getting up early, or having less time because of school, my brain would just keep saying, "You can't do this. You aren't cut out for this." This week was my chance to prove these cognitive distortions wrong. This week I started college.
I had been terrified to go back to school. School has always been my greatest fear. I have so many negative memories of having panic attacks over homework assignments and hating school. Beginning college this week was a challenge that I had to conquer. I am taking three classes for a total of ten credit hours. I have two classes on Mondays and Wednesdays (Sociology and Interemediate Algebra) and one class early in the morning on Tuesdays and Thursdays (College Writing). That first day of college started off well. I didn't have any homework in my first class, so I didn't really have much anxiety. Then I got to my math class. It was a two hour long class that came with a lot of commitment. I had a decent amount of homework and that is when the bad thoughts started coming.
Immediately after my math class, I went to get in the hour long line at the bookstore to get my course pack for math. I sat in that line thinking about how the longer I stood in that line, the less time I would have to complete my homework in the cafeteria before I had to go to work. It felt like the walls were caving in on me as my breathing got shorter and shorter. I felt the tears filling my eyes. I texted my fiancé and told him that I wasn't meant for college. I just couldn't do it. I wanted to quit. He encouraged me to keep at it a little longer and see how things went. I sat with the anxiety and tried to intentionally think about what I was worrying about as an exposure exercise. Eventually, the anxiety mostly subsided and I went to the cafeteria and got part of my homework completed.
The rest of the week went a lot better. The first day of school for me is always the hardest. Once I get settled in and see exactly what I'm dealing with, I find ways to cope. I managed to complete my first week of college without a full on panic attack and that is a MAJOR success for me! I can't even believe that I am attending college, working, and managing life as well as I am today.
One other huge thing that I discovered this week is the fact that I had to get a new therapist because my regular therapist had a stroke. This was stressful news because I had gone two weeks without therapy not knowing why my therapist wasn't answering my phone calls about appointments. When you go this long without therapy when you are trying to maintain your OCD, it is a big deal. I decided to take action and actively look for a new therapist. I got the name of a new possible therapist from my usual therapist when I got the news of his medical crisis and I emailed her right away. She seems to know her stuff about anxiety disorders and exposure therapy, so I am relieved to say that I am giving her a shot on Tuesday! Hopefully this transition will be smooth and I can get back on track with my therapy.
Finally, I am pleased to say that I am furthering my mission to spread OCD awareness by speaking to a few different classes about my journey with OCD at my old high school. I am so excited to share my heart with other young people and educate the public on why mental health is so important. I hope to convince at least one person that OCD is a serious condition that is just as important as any other physical condition. If I can do that, I will have succeeded in my goal of this speech.
The new year has began with a rocky start, but it is looking up. I plan on continuing this semester with a hopeful heart. I will engage in exposures whenever I can at school, so I can continue to conquer my worst fears. 2017 can throw all it has at me, but I am determined to make this year unforgettable with love, laughter, education, determination, commitment, and joy.
I had been terrified to go back to school. School has always been my greatest fear. I have so many negative memories of having panic attacks over homework assignments and hating school. Beginning college this week was a challenge that I had to conquer. I am taking three classes for a total of ten credit hours. I have two classes on Mondays and Wednesdays (Sociology and Interemediate Algebra) and one class early in the morning on Tuesdays and Thursdays (College Writing). That first day of college started off well. I didn't have any homework in my first class, so I didn't really have much anxiety. Then I got to my math class. It was a two hour long class that came with a lot of commitment. I had a decent amount of homework and that is when the bad thoughts started coming.
Immediately after my math class, I went to get in the hour long line at the bookstore to get my course pack for math. I sat in that line thinking about how the longer I stood in that line, the less time I would have to complete my homework in the cafeteria before I had to go to work. It felt like the walls were caving in on me as my breathing got shorter and shorter. I felt the tears filling my eyes. I texted my fiancé and told him that I wasn't meant for college. I just couldn't do it. I wanted to quit. He encouraged me to keep at it a little longer and see how things went. I sat with the anxiety and tried to intentionally think about what I was worrying about as an exposure exercise. Eventually, the anxiety mostly subsided and I went to the cafeteria and got part of my homework completed.
The rest of the week went a lot better. The first day of school for me is always the hardest. Once I get settled in and see exactly what I'm dealing with, I find ways to cope. I managed to complete my first week of college without a full on panic attack and that is a MAJOR success for me! I can't even believe that I am attending college, working, and managing life as well as I am today.
One other huge thing that I discovered this week is the fact that I had to get a new therapist because my regular therapist had a stroke. This was stressful news because I had gone two weeks without therapy not knowing why my therapist wasn't answering my phone calls about appointments. When you go this long without therapy when you are trying to maintain your OCD, it is a big deal. I decided to take action and actively look for a new therapist. I got the name of a new possible therapist from my usual therapist when I got the news of his medical crisis and I emailed her right away. She seems to know her stuff about anxiety disorders and exposure therapy, so I am relieved to say that I am giving her a shot on Tuesday! Hopefully this transition will be smooth and I can get back on track with my therapy.
Finally, I am pleased to say that I am furthering my mission to spread OCD awareness by speaking to a few different classes about my journey with OCD at my old high school. I am so excited to share my heart with other young people and educate the public on why mental health is so important. I hope to convince at least one person that OCD is a serious condition that is just as important as any other physical condition. If I can do that, I will have succeeded in my goal of this speech.
The new year has began with a rocky start, but it is looking up. I plan on continuing this semester with a hopeful heart. I will engage in exposures whenever I can at school, so I can continue to conquer my worst fears. 2017 can throw all it has at me, but I am determined to make this year unforgettable with love, laughter, education, determination, commitment, and joy.