On Day 53 of my time at Rogers, my dear roommate Rachel discharged. She had worked so hard during her stay and she definitely deserved to leave. I had dreaded the day she would leave ever since I first met her. I avoided the idea of her leaving altogether. I even refused to look at her suitcases when she was packing. I couldn't imagine my life at Rogers without her. When she left during lunchtime, we hugged and we told each other that we would keep in touch. I didn't start balling until after she was gone. That's when the depression sank in.
Even though I felt extremely alone, I kept pushing on in my CBT work. I was getting assigned several body image exposures like showing staff a picture of my calves and looking at a picture of myself smiling. I also was assigned more people pleasing exposures. I needed to practice being rude to people because the idea of disappointing anyone made me feel horrible. One of the toughest exposures I had was stopping CBT early. A staff member would tell me when to stop and then I wouldn't be allowed to do any more work. It was extremely difficult.
On Day 57, I got a new roommate. I was dreading this. I couldn't imagine anyone trying to replace Rachel. I remember going to group therapy just balling saying, "This just doesn't feel right. No one is supposed to use her bed or her dresser." Jenna, my group therapist, kindly explained to me that I could be like Rachel. I had the opportunity to welcome my new roommate with open arms. That's what I did. I told her the ins and outs of Rogers. We ended up getting along great!
When I was finally allowed to run whenever I wanted, I had to cover up the time and distance on the treadmill with a towel and do the elliptical for ten minutes first in order to address my inflexibility with running. I ended up cheating on this exposure a little when I would count the songs that I listened to on my iPod as I ran. This way I could know about how long I had been running for. I admitted this to Julie, my therapist, and she told me to practice mindfulness when I ran. I pictured myself running on the beach and it worked wonderfully! I really felt like I was gaining control of my obsession with running.
On Day 59, I got a discharge date! It was July 2. I also put my discharge book (a book that other residents and staff right well wishes and memories in for you to take with you when you discharge) in the day room for everyone to sign. I felt like there was finally a light at the end of the tunnel.
On Day 64, I began my Honors essay. Honors is the top phase in the CAC. There are many perks that come with it like being able to walk outside alone and leading group check-in. I had to write an essay explaining my progress in treatment and why I thought I deserved to be on Honors.
On Day 65, all of the adolescent girls went to Noah's Ark waterpark for an all-day experiential therapy trip. It was a blast! I really enjoyed it! Wisconsin Dells is an amazing place to be! I really bonded with my roommate that day as well. On Day 66, I left my mark at Rogers by putting a picture I drew in Art Therapy up in the Art Room. I put the following quote on it: "There is nothing noble about being superior to your fellow man. True nobility comes from being superior to your former self." I felt like that summed up my treatment well. I had spent my whole life trying to be better than others and when I got to Rogers I became a better version of myself. I also went to a Brewers game that day. That was a lot of fun!
I received Honors status on Day 67. I felt so empowered to have accomplished this because not many people leave Rogers on Honors. I also had my discharged date moved up to July 1 on this day because the camping trip that I was supposed to go on got canceled. It was around this time that my positive attitude kicked in. I decided that positivity would do me well. I would wake up every morning and tell everyone, "It's going to be a great day you guys!" I felt on top of the world. I was conquering OCD and I had never felt so badass.
The toughest exposure that I faced while at Rogers was stopping CBT early on the weekends and finishing it during free time. This would eventually help me with doing homework at home since that was one of my biggest obstacles. After two weekends of doing this, I had habituated to the exposure and I didn't worry about it much anymore. I didn't dread doing work and it didn't feel impossible like homework did back home. I felt unstoppable because I tackled one of my biggest issues.
I went on my Honors outing on Day 69. Everyone on Honors gets to go on an outing of their choosing with whoever they want. I chose to go to a Mexican restaurant that was on an abandoned train. It was delicious and I had a lot of fun with friends! On Day 70, we had my discharge experiential therapy session. I chose to go hiking to the lookout tower. When you reached the top of the tower after a long hike, you could see all the way to Milwaukee. The sight was beautiful and it helped me fight my fear of heights. On the top of the tower, we did my ropes ceremony. Everyone that discharges gets a piece of rope from the ropes course that 1000 people climbed on. The retired rope represented strength. Everyone at the ropes ceremony takes turn holding the little piece of rope and saying nice things about the person discharging. It was beautiful and I enjoyed it so much.
On my last full day at Rogers, I made my legacy stone in Art Therapy. It's a cement stone that you decorate and the staff at Rogers puts them in the garden to remember you. I also had my goodbye group for group therapy. Everyone in the group went around and said kind things to me. I cried my eyes out. I was going to miss everyone so much. It was getting real and almost scary to leave. I had made a home out of Rogers and I couldn't imagine going back home. I went on pass that night with my parents and we celebrated my discharge with a trip to The Melting Pot. That was delicious!
The next morning I said goodbye to all of my friends and after my discharge family session, I was on my way out the door. It was bittersweet to leave. I was leaving one chapter behind and starting a new one. The only difference would be that in this next chapter, I would actually be living.