Life has a funny way of playing out. There are times when you feel so alone and hopeless and there are times when you feel on top of the world. I have felt both of those feelings to the fullest. OCD has a way of making you doubt yourself constantly. I am fighting this feeling every single day.
When I arrived home from Rogers Memorial Hospital, I thought there was no way I would be able to have a job and go to school at the same time. I thought I needed more time to adjust to life and take control of my issues. After four or five weeks of being home and becoming accustomed to doing chores and running, I realized I was ready to take on a job. I applied to Culver's thinking that I could start after cross country was over. I got an interview about a week after applying. I was stunned. Only a few short months ago, I thought about the possibility of never having a job at all because I thought it was too much. I was continuing to show myself all that I was capable of. Proving my old self wrong was the best feeling in the world. I ended up going to the interview and getting the job. This was one of the biggest accomplishments in my recovery because I wasn't doubting myself anymore. I felt so empowered and strong. I am capable of anything.
It was around the same time that I had another major relapse. I had to get my sports physical for cross country and I was so nervous to be weighed. I had been home for over a month and I hadn't weighed myself at all. The scale has always been an enemy of mine. I used to weigh myself multiple times a day, so abstaining from weighing myself was a way to avoid reassurance seeking. When I stepped onto the scale at the doctor's, I weighed 151 pounds. I was absolutely shocked. I was around 144 pounds throughout my whole stay at Rogers. I immediately went into panic mode. I cried the second we left the doctor's and I spent the whole rest of the day isolating myself in my room on the floor balling. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think straight, and I couldn't find my self-worth. It took me a few hours to calm down. I eventually realized that I was on a controlled diet at Rogers and I basically ate the same amount of food everyday. Since being home, my diet had gone back to being a normal teen's diet. Lots of carbs and junk food, but no binge eating. I knew I couldn't go back to stuffing my face. I felt as though I had more control over my weight, so the news of the weight gain was hard, but in the long run, it only made me stronger. I have maintained this weight ever since I've been home and I now know that I have no reason to panic about my weight. No matter what the number on the scale is, I'm happy with the way I look and I feel more confident than ever. That's amazing progress in itself. I remember not even being able to look at myself in the mirror without crying. It was just too hard to see myself. I felt fat and worthless. I now know that I am beautiful and healthy. That is because of the amazing work I did this year. I will continue to work hard to love myself. I will fight to continue to feel so good about myself. It's worth it. Hating your body is a waste of time because you only get one body, so why not love it? No one ever said you had to be skinny to be beautiful. There is no normal way to look. Everyone is beautiful just the way they are. Skinny isn't beautiful; happy is beautiful. I am so happy that I learned this lesson and I can only hope that everyone else comes to this realization someday as well.
When I arrived home from Rogers Memorial Hospital, I thought there was no way I would be able to have a job and go to school at the same time. I thought I needed more time to adjust to life and take control of my issues. After four or five weeks of being home and becoming accustomed to doing chores and running, I realized I was ready to take on a job. I applied to Culver's thinking that I could start after cross country was over. I got an interview about a week after applying. I was stunned. Only a few short months ago, I thought about the possibility of never having a job at all because I thought it was too much. I was continuing to show myself all that I was capable of. Proving my old self wrong was the best feeling in the world. I ended up going to the interview and getting the job. This was one of the biggest accomplishments in my recovery because I wasn't doubting myself anymore. I felt so empowered and strong. I am capable of anything.
It was around the same time that I had another major relapse. I had to get my sports physical for cross country and I was so nervous to be weighed. I had been home for over a month and I hadn't weighed myself at all. The scale has always been an enemy of mine. I used to weigh myself multiple times a day, so abstaining from weighing myself was a way to avoid reassurance seeking. When I stepped onto the scale at the doctor's, I weighed 151 pounds. I was absolutely shocked. I was around 144 pounds throughout my whole stay at Rogers. I immediately went into panic mode. I cried the second we left the doctor's and I spent the whole rest of the day isolating myself in my room on the floor balling. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think straight, and I couldn't find my self-worth. It took me a few hours to calm down. I eventually realized that I was on a controlled diet at Rogers and I basically ate the same amount of food everyday. Since being home, my diet had gone back to being a normal teen's diet. Lots of carbs and junk food, but no binge eating. I knew I couldn't go back to stuffing my face. I felt as though I had more control over my weight, so the news of the weight gain was hard, but in the long run, it only made me stronger. I have maintained this weight ever since I've been home and I now know that I have no reason to panic about my weight. No matter what the number on the scale is, I'm happy with the way I look and I feel more confident than ever. That's amazing progress in itself. I remember not even being able to look at myself in the mirror without crying. It was just too hard to see myself. I felt fat and worthless. I now know that I am beautiful and healthy. That is because of the amazing work I did this year. I will continue to work hard to love myself. I will fight to continue to feel so good about myself. It's worth it. Hating your body is a waste of time because you only get one body, so why not love it? No one ever said you had to be skinny to be beautiful. There is no normal way to look. Everyone is beautiful just the way they are. Skinny isn't beautiful; happy is beautiful. I am so happy that I learned this lesson and I can only hope that everyone else comes to this realization someday as well.