OCD has a way of making you doubt your abilities even when you have tools to help yourself in tough times. It can either take away your confidence for a split second or make you doubt yourself for an entire year. There are several different types of distorted thoughts that make you feel anxious. Catastrophizing is telling yourself that the absolute worst will happen. Overgeneralization is making a negative conclusion that goes way beyond the situation. Mental filtering is focusing on one negative aspect to the exclusion of the entire picture. Discounting the positive is telling yourself that the positive aspects in your life do not matter. There are many other types of distorted thoughts, but these few have affected me the most.
This past week I hit a major milestone in my life. On my eighteenth birthday this past Wednesday, I began my first ever regular job. This is a huge step for me because earlier this year I had given up on the idea of ever having a job. I would tell myself that my disorder would never get under control enough to have a job. The idea of working and going to school felt impossible. After going to Rogers Memorial Hospital this past spring and summer, I felt so confident in my abilities that I got a job this summer at a local fast food restaurant. I made an agreement with the owner that I would start working as soon as cross country got done because I didn't want to overwhelm myself with a sport and a job at the same time. So far this week, I have worked three days and a total of thirteen hours. I feel so excited about my progress. I am continuing to prove to myself that the unimaginable is possible.
Even though most of the time I feel extremely confident in myself, I still have those moments when I have to fight off distorted thoughts. Two days ago, I didn't have a very good day and I broke down crying on my way to work. I thought to myself,"What am I doing? I can't handle this." I had a moment of self-doubt just like anyone else with OCD would. I took a few minutes in my car before going inside to work to calm down and build myself back up. I reminded myself how strong I was and how it was so amazing that I was even here. If I hadn't gone to Rogers this year, I can't even say for sure if I would be in school. The fact that I am going to school everyday, working several days a week, and keeping up with my tasks at home shows how strong I am. I refuse to give up my fight. Although sometimes I face relapse, I know how to pick myself back up and I know I can do anything that I set my mind to. As my idol/role model Demi Lovato says on her new album:
And if somebody tells me I'll go back to my old ways
I'm gonna say no way, I'm out of the doorway
I'm hearing them all say I'll go back to my old ways
Not going back to my old ways.
I couldn't say it any better than that. The battle continues, but I'm winning. I'm going to keep it that way even in times of hardship. I am so incredibly thankful for where I am at in life and I will never give up. I may have been miserable earlier this year, but now I am truly living.
This past week I hit a major milestone in my life. On my eighteenth birthday this past Wednesday, I began my first ever regular job. This is a huge step for me because earlier this year I had given up on the idea of ever having a job. I would tell myself that my disorder would never get under control enough to have a job. The idea of working and going to school felt impossible. After going to Rogers Memorial Hospital this past spring and summer, I felt so confident in my abilities that I got a job this summer at a local fast food restaurant. I made an agreement with the owner that I would start working as soon as cross country got done because I didn't want to overwhelm myself with a sport and a job at the same time. So far this week, I have worked three days and a total of thirteen hours. I feel so excited about my progress. I am continuing to prove to myself that the unimaginable is possible.
Even though most of the time I feel extremely confident in myself, I still have those moments when I have to fight off distorted thoughts. Two days ago, I didn't have a very good day and I broke down crying on my way to work. I thought to myself,"What am I doing? I can't handle this." I had a moment of self-doubt just like anyone else with OCD would. I took a few minutes in my car before going inside to work to calm down and build myself back up. I reminded myself how strong I was and how it was so amazing that I was even here. If I hadn't gone to Rogers this year, I can't even say for sure if I would be in school. The fact that I am going to school everyday, working several days a week, and keeping up with my tasks at home shows how strong I am. I refuse to give up my fight. Although sometimes I face relapse, I know how to pick myself back up and I know I can do anything that I set my mind to. As my idol/role model Demi Lovato says on her new album:
And if somebody tells me I'll go back to my old ways
I'm gonna say no way, I'm out of the doorway
I'm hearing them all say I'll go back to my old ways
Not going back to my old ways.
I couldn't say it any better than that. The battle continues, but I'm winning. I'm going to keep it that way even in times of hardship. I am so incredibly thankful for where I am at in life and I will never give up. I may have been miserable earlier this year, but now I am truly living.