I thought that that everyone who had relapsed at Rogers just wasn't trying enough. I thought that they had failed quite honestly. It was a horrifying thought that anyone didn't make it through their whole life after treatment happy. I know better now. I now know that relapse is a huge part of the recovery process. I know because I have relapsed to the point that I am returning to Rogers in nine short days.
I came to this decision when I felt hopeless to the point I felt worthless and anxious to the point I was incapable of doing so many things I used to be able to do. I struggle to do the dishes, close the store at work without perfecting everything, think about school in the fall, and do any basic task. I can't even get off the couch to walk my dog because that feels too overwhelming.
So what is the point of me telling you all this? Am I wanting pity or sympathy? No. I am telling you all of this to educate you and to make you aware that people with mental illness struggle more than you could ever imagine. It is a hard life when you live with mental illness, but contrary to my beliefs earlier this week, it is not an impossible one. I can live with my disorder and that is why I am getting the help I need. I didn't fail, I didn't quit, and I most certainly did try. I just need to manage this disorder with the help of professionals.
The next time you read this blog, I will be happier and stronger than ever. You just wait because I am determined to continue to fight this battle. I will win this war because I am a fighter.