Obsessive compulsive disorder had made me feel worthless, weak, out of control, and hopeless. It has also made me feel strong, confident, and beautiful. These more positive feelings came about after my treatment at Rogers Memorial Hospital.
I had rough days and amazing days while in treatment, but nothing was more frustrating than being weened off of medications. My anxiety worsened and I was having horrible withdrawal symptoms. When I decided to discuss going back on medications with Dr.Lake, I discovered that being on all of those medications actually made my exposure work not as effective. You need to be able to have a sizable amount of anxiety when doing exposures in order to habituate to the action.
Sometime in the middle of my treatment, I was given the exposure of not running for a few weeks. This was tough. Running had become a huge part of my self worth. If I didn't run for a day and I saw someone else running outside, I would cry and tell myself, "I am worth nothing. I don't deserve to live." It was an extremely hard exposure, but it was very much needed. I learned that exerise is needed to be healthy, but you need a balance between exercise and rest.
I got a new ban around this time in my treatment as well: perfecting. I was realizing while I was I treatment that I would perfect a lot of things. I would fix my jewelry, my blankets on my bed, my handwriting all so it would be "right" in my mind. I discussed this with my behavior specialist and she thought it was important as well. I got a comparing ban a few weeks later as well to work on not comparing myself to other people. It really helped me focus on myself instead of others.
On my 31st day at Rogers, I felt amazing. It was a huge turning point in my treatment. I went from being frustrated with life to being more positive and happy. I was happy all day long. I got caught up with my schoolwork, finished a beautiful collage in art therapy that represented my treatment, did some mindfulness meditations, resisted a lot of my bans, and I discovered that my family was coming to visit me in a few weeks! The exposures were finally starting to turn my life around and the mindfulness was calming me.
I began tackling my inflexibility issue on day 36. I was required to spend the first twenty minutes of free time each night doing something leisurely before I tackled my nightly to-do list. This meant no showering, calling home, writing anyone, or writing in my journal until I relaxed. This was actually a really hard exposure. I couldn't imagine relaxing before all of my tasks got done. After the first few days, I was really able to relax and not worry about the tasks ahead of me. I was able to truly be mindful and be in the moment.
On my 37th day, I went on an all-day experiential therapy trip. We went caving. I had never went caving before, but Rachel said it was a blast and that I would really enjoy it. I trusted her on it and I decided to go. When I first entered the cave, I cried. I was absolutely terrified to be under ground in a dark, dirty, and cold cave. I decided to just sit and habituate to my surroundings for a while before moving on throughout the cave. After about five minutes, I calmed down completely. I actually had a lot of fun! Seeing a cave for the first time was an amazing experience I will never forget. I was able to learn that I am so strong and I can do anything I set my mind to. Even though I was anxious about the idea of dirt, bats, small spaces, and the dark, I still went and I conquered my fears!
On Day 42, I was allowed to begin running again, but only one day a week. I was being slowly re-introduced to running. The first time I ran again was exhilarating. I felt like I had never done it before. I ran on the the treadmill in the fitness room and I was so excited. I had really missed it, but I knew it couldn't become a compulsion again.
Body image exposures were also a huge part of my treatment at this time. I did anything from looking at a picture of a part of my body to looking in the mirror at a part of my body to showing staff a picture of my body. This completely transformed my idea of body image. I used to think that skinny equaled beautiful and that fat equaled ugly. That is so far from the truth. There is no right or wrong way to look. I was able to accept myself and realize that I was beautiful just the way I was. Doing body image exposures made me happier with my body and that in turn made me beautiful. Skinny doesn't make you beautiful, but being happy does. Your looks don't determine you worth, your happiness, or your beauty.
One of my favorite things they did at Rogers was when they brought in Abby the therapy dog on Tuesday evenings. I missed my dog so much and it felt so amazing to just see an animal. I was incredibly happy that pet therapy was available. It helped me calm down so much during CBT time.
Another tough exposure for me was waiting to do my laundry until at least the afternoon. I did my laundry the second I got up on my laundry day when I first got to Rogers, so this pushed my inflexibility to its limits. I felt so accomplished though each Wednesday when I was able to have fun first and then do laundry. I felt so empowered.
On Day 44, I hit another major milestone. Up until then, I had tried a few different things on the ropes course, but I had never completed a climb. That day it was one of my closest friend's discharge day and we were going to do the zip line at experiential therapy to celebrate his last day. I really wanted to do it because I had ziplined before, but never on one that you had to physically climb up and then jump off of one. I strapped into my harness and began climbing up the pole. I had to stop several times to habituate and I closed my eyes when I stood on that tiny platform with Mark, an ET, but I did it! I jumped off and flew through the ropes course! I was so excited after and I felt so confident.
Affirmations and meditations really helped me each day at Rogers. I wrote down affirmations like "I am stronger than my OCD" or "I am beautiful" a lot. It helped me remind myself that I was strong. It helped me a lot when I felt inferior to others as well. I began to learn that people pleasing in order to be better than others was so unhealthy. I needed to just simply improve myself. It didn't matter how others were.
On June 6, my parents came to visit and they brought Jake. It was so amazing to see them. Jake hugged me so tightly and I will always remember my parents smiling so big when they saw me. I held Raegan for so long because I was so elated to see her. Life felt amazing. We did all sorts of activities while I went on pass(an order written by your doctor to go off grounds with a family member for the day). I got to go to the Cheesecake Factory for the first time and we even met up with my Aunt Patty and Uncle Joe. It was a wonderful weekend. I will always remember Jake looking me in the eyes and saying,"I am so incredibly proud of you and I am here to support you." I felt so loved by everyone that weekend. I am so fortunate to have the support that I do.
Then came the only in person family session that Monday when my family was still in town. I had a family session once a week while in treatment in order for my family to be involved in my treatment. Jenna, my group therapist ran it because Julie had a family emergency. I remember sitting in her office slightly annoyed because I still didn't have that light at the end of the tunnel. I wanted to have an idea of when I was getting out of Rogers. The experience was amazing, but I wanted an end in sight. Then Dr.Lake and Jenna asked me when I thought I would be ready to leave because they said it could be as soon as four weeks! I was so excited that I instantly smiled! I never expected it to be that soon. You never know when you are truly ready because OCD makes you doubt yourself a lot. I knew I was making a lot of progress, but I never knew if I was making enough. This news of a possible discharge made me so happy and I became incredibly positive.
Saying goodbye to my family and Jake that day wasn't as hard as the first time because I knew I would see them soon. My time at the hospital was paying off and my life was better than ever. I was only going to get better from there.